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Screaming In The Night
The dark air is torn brutally apart, almost nightly, by a rending, throat shredding scream. Flailing arms, bolt upright, desperate panic, cold sweat standing on my skin. I’m dripping, clammy, wild eyed, shaking, gasping for breath, grasping for something that will ground me, bring me into reality again.
It’s so hard to break free, I’ll have been caught in the grip of my terrors for sometime, thrashing, whimpering, crying, shouting as I lay beside a partner I’ve shared a bed with for nigh on thirty years. Thirty years and he still hasn’t learned how to soothe me, what to do — and more importantly, what NOT to do — during these episodes. Over the course of those years I’ve pushed, kicked and hit my partner whilst in the throes of my night terrors — I’ve *fought him off*, because he tries to hold me, restrain me and/or shake my shoulder to wake me up…..all of which are absolutely guaranteed to escalate the intensity of the panic I’m simultaneously experiencing in the nightmarish scenario my mind has trapped me in.
My therapy sessions have moved onto Zoom, COVID lockdowns making remote meetings a necessity, weekly as far as possible (we’ve probably missed as many as we’ve made, between the two of us, for one reason or another). She’s a doctor of clinical psychology, she specialises in EMDR treatment, so we’re about to move onto trying that to (hopefully) tackle those searing bouts…
